I understand that doctors get frustrated with overly-pushy patients, particularly those who come in with a diagnosis already in mind.

However, that's not the same as being well-informed about your own medical situation.  If you have no major ailments, and only occasionally see a doc, it's not terribly applicable.  However, when you see docs as often as I do, and you have something like fibromyalgia (FMS), not only do I find it helpful to keep myself informed, but doctors are now saying the same thing.

Twice this week I've been complemented by doctors for bringing it up.  In both cases I've been asked about pain related to current ailments.  While I answered to the best of my ability, both times I added "I've got fibromyalgia, so all questions regarding pain are loaded questions."  I presume it's because doctors are better understanding FMS.  Because I suffer chronic pain, I suspect my brain largely ignores certain pains.  Unless I want to curl up in a ball from pain, I don't think of myself as being in pain. 

I've also been through doctor offices enough that I can with some authority declare what does and doesn't work for me for a variety of conditions.  After all, at 35 I can recall more medications than most people will ingest in their lifetimes (Ceclor, pennicilin, ammoxicilin, codiene, darvocet, percoset, effexor, flexiril, wellbutrin, elavil, prozac, zithromax, predisone, solbid, ventolin, alupent, anaprox, celebrex, erythomicin, ultram, ambien, lexapro, ritalin, donatal, dicyclomine...and that's just the stuff I remember.  In retrospect, I clearly should have started making a list long ago.)

I visited the doctor's office yesterday to address some medical questions.  In the course of our discussion, the nurse practitioner asked me if there was anything in my life making me anxious or depressed.  I answered no.

But then I started thinking about it, and realized that while there truly isn't anything in my life which should depress me, I am indeed depressed.  I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to do things I want to get done, things I even generally enjoy doing.  My memory has gone to hell, which I've been writing off to "fibro fog." I cry at times when I can even recognize there's no reason to cry.  I even blogged the other day about how I couldn't find anything positive to write about.  I've just been sort of writing everything off, sort of an "eh, that's just how things are."

That's depression.  It's been about ten years, but I have been down this road before.  now that the idea has finally sunk in, I'm recognizing all sorts of mannerisms that further suggest it.  And no, I don't think it's power of suggestion.  When it comes to my health, I'm pretty good at staying objective.  I find of have to with the fibromyalgia, since there's no test or machine that can externally measure symptoms.  I've tried puzzling out what has been going on with me, and none of the suspicions have fit. 

This fits.  This is depression...or perhaps whatever has caused depression in the past, if there's something more complex coming on.  And that makes me paradoxically happy.  Depression can be fixed.  Like I said, I've done this before, and just knowing why my body is doing something it's not supposed to is a victory I don't get nearly often enough.

I've never been big on philosophy.  Never had a head for it.  But I do find quite a bit of philosophical inspiration from more common sources: TV, movies, books, comics, etc.

People get angry at God when they don't get what they want.  It's like we're entitled to perfect, wealthy and happy lives and everything that gets in our way is clearly God deliberately spiting us.  "It's not fair!"  They whine.  "Why can't a get a break?  Why weren't we all born rich?"

Because that's not what life is about.  It's not about winning.  It's not about collecting the most stuff.  It's about making the best of what you've got.  "But Bill Gates has more to work with than me!"  Perhaps, although I'm confident Bill Gates has his own issues as well.  But what does Gates' success have to do with you?  Why are you making Bill Gates the measuring stick?

"You get what anyone gets - you get a lifetime." It's a quote from Death in the Sandman comic series.  Some are longer, some shorter.  It's not about getting the most.  It's about what you do with what you have.  It's about quality over quantity.

There are a few things we can do with that lifetime.  We can set reasonable goals and be happy as we achieve those goals.  We can set very high goals, work very hard, and risk not getting those goals.  Or, we can set unreasonable goals, probably not do much to attempt such goals (since we know they are out of reach), and then complain about a lack of results."

There are a lot of very poor people in the world, many many of them live happy lives.  They rejoice in friends and family.  They measure success in what they can accomplish locally in their community.  Which makes middle class Americans complaining about a lack of divine fairness sound all the more spoiled.  We're all dealt pros and cons.  It's up to us to make use of the pros to overcome the cons.

I was blessed to be born in one of the richest countries in the world to parents who, among other things, believed in sending their children through four years of college.  That was a blessing, not a right.  I got through grad school on my own.  I got a car on my own.  No one owed me those things.

I was also given a brain that doesn't properly interpret neurological signals, particularly those associated with pain.  It was debilitating enough to twice confine me to a wheelchair.  Marathon running is not a reasonable expectation for myself.  That's not a curse.  It's just a fact of life.  I can either bemoan that fact, or I can consider other options like martial arts and road biking and scuba diving, all things that I have done as an adult that once seemed impossible.

As Mchael J. Fox said several years ago: "I'm not crying 'what a tragedy', because it's not. It's a reality, a fact."

I don't dream much. The medication I take for fibromyalgia generally either keeps me from dreaming or at least keeps me from remembering that I dreamed once I wake up. So when I'm not only remembering my dreams but also seeing a pattern in them, I take notice.

In the last two weeks I've had four angry dreams. In all of them things just continued to escalate into more and more ridiculousness and I would get more and more angry about it all. Twice it was directed at my mother, once at my husband, and I don't recall the target in the fourth dream. They aren't nightmares. I don't die. I'm not even hurt. I'm just...raging.

I've always associated my Lady with anger. She's taught me how to positively channel it in the past, so when something pisses me off in real life I can at least do something constructive with it. I'm not one to often see overt divine revelation in things, but I have to wonder if she's trying to tell me something. If so, I have no idea what.

I've thought about this long and hard, and I can see no psychological reason for these recurring dreams. Even in my worst times, my dreams are rarely effected, and the simple fact is right now I'm doing pretty damn good. I'm not angry at my husband, and I'm certainly not mad at my mother, who lives almost 500 miles away and I only get to see a couple times a year.

So if its not psychological, what the heck does it mean? Although I suppose that's still the question even if it is psychological.